At Jenn's request, I have decided to make a contribution to the blog that I actually originally set up about 5 years ago. I would like to use this opportunity to lobby for 4 devices that would make raising a child much easier. If someone would kindly start production on these, it would be greatly appreciated.
1. The Booth Divider
The Scenario: You've been there. It's you and your three year old sitting in a booth at a restaurant about to enjoy a meal that they probably won't eat based on the fact that you chose the kids don't eat free night. As you get your food you are once again reminded that your child has no sense of personal space at all. Each bite you take has the possibility of being dropped in your lap because you have somehow become part of a right triangle with the booth and your leaning child making up the rest of the sides. You are sure that there are about twenty square feet of free space on the seat, but you wouldn't know because all you can see if a giant ketchupy face two inches from ruining yet another of your shirts.
The Solution: A portable Plexiglas wall that will keep you separated from the ketchup monster. If you have been in a taxi or perhaps the back of a police car then you know what I am talking about. As a bonus, I would suggest we add one of those glove hands that you can reach into and mess with stuff on the other side of the glass. How else will you be able to jam that expensive food into the mouth of the child?
2. The Play Bubble
The Scenario: You child seems to have an inability to resist tackling your other child. This increases when you are on the phone, cleaning, or generally breathing in any way. If only there was a way to ensure that the children kept their hands off one another.
The Solution: The play bubble. Think about the bubbles that some kids with poor immunity live in or travel in. If you had one of these for each child, all that they could do is bump into each other and roll around. No more tackling, ever.
3. The Painometer
The Scenario: Your daughter has injured herself again. Given the level of crying she has either chopped off her own arm or fallen into a vat of acid. After kicking down the door because it seemed like the emergency kind of thing to do, you discover that the cause of the screaming is the discovery of a hangnail that could one day become mildly irritating. And what about the times when you enter a room to a crying son who is sitting next to his sheepish looking brother and the plastic golf club. How long should time out be for the kid who thought it would be a good idea to go Braveheart on his brother with a sports recreation device. If only we had a way to see with what velocity the kid was able to employ with the golf club by determining just how much pain was inflicted on his brother. (Also, it would be great to know if golf was a sport that could be ruled out or encouraged.)
The Solution: Imagine a thermometer type of device that you could put on the child's forehead that could gauge the level of pain that the child is actually experiencing anywhere in his or her body. What if the device could actually pinpoint the location of the pain for when your screaming child forgets which arm his sister pinched but is sure that he is in the most pain ever? Instead of needing to head to the ER for head trauma, you can discover that the crushing headache your daughter appears to be experiencing actually came from your daughter combing her hair too hard and that the pain went away twenty minutes ago.
4. The Mommy Mask
The Scenario: Your child probably does love his daddy, just not when he wakes up at night, wants someone to fill his cup, or wants someone to do anything other than tackle him. The dad gets up in the middle of the night to check on the fussy kid and when he gets there, it appears that once again, the child needs the magical touch of his mother. If only there was a way to never hear "no, mommy do it" again.
The Solution: Every mother should be required to sit for a mask molding before having their child. This would be a mask that the father can put on when he knows that only a mother's touch will do. If you are concerned that the child will be able to tell the difference between a mom body and a dad body, you're giving them too much credit and you have already lost the war. These are the same kids who not long ago thought that you literally removed their nose at a whim and who you can also distract from anything remotely upsetting by saying let's go get slushies.